I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Every concussion has its silver lining
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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