i permit you to call me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
