i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
