Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
