Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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