am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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