if you like me you must not know who I am
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
