yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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