quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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