My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
