btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize