I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
