If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
