thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
