i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
