I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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