why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
