it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
