I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
