sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
