apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Enjoy the penises
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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