I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
