im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
