Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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