We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
