Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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