Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
