My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
