He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize