My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
