eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
