I like my sex mixed with concussions.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
