I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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