dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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