i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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