thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
