I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
