I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
