This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
