he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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