Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
