ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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