I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
