I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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