my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
