Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
