So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize