??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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