she smelled like a LAN party
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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