can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
