i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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