Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
