I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
