just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
