Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
