You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
