Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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