I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
