last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
No stitches, just platelets and will power
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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