My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
