I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
