i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
