I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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