Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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