kristin has been a bad kristin
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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