Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
