it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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