are you so shy because you have an std?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
