Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
