Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
