I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
